Forgiveness

    

 The other day I was talking with my dad. We were talking about grudges and people remaining angry at people for long periods of time. I told my dad that I wasn't really mad at anyone. He looked me in the eye and asked "your mission president?"

     Now I had been angry at my mission president. I had felt betrayed by him. I felt that he was rude and unkind to me. I felt that he had made rash decisions that effected  my life. I had been mad. And my dad knew that. 

     But what my dad didn't know was that I had been praying for my mission president for months. The anger in my life because of him was eating my spirit away. I felt it. It wasn't long after I got home from my mission that I wanted it to stop.

But how?

     I prayed for him and his wife. Every time I felt a pang of anger or resentment I said a prayer for them. At first it was insincere "please help them and their family" or "bless them". I was still mad and I hated praying for their well being. But I did. Slowly my hasty and insincere prayers led way to sincere prayers with real hope that God would answer them. 

     It wasn't until that moment when my dad asked me if I was angry at my mission president that I realized that I wasn't mad anymore and that I hadn't been for a very long time. I had let go of my anger and forgiven him

     Why am I telling you this? Because forgiving someone is a hard thing. Especially if they do not apologize or they do not realize that they have hurt you. You cannot fully feel God's love if you are angry. If you don't want to pray for someone that is a good indication that you are mad at them. So pray for them even if it is hard at first. Your spirit will heal as you release your anger. And God will help you. 

Be strong and forgive others. 

A Broken Promise

After you have received your mission call you write a letter to the first presidency. In my letter I vividly remember promising to stay out 18 months. When I wrote that line "I will and promise to serve the lord the full 18 months" I felt the spirit overwhelm me. I knew it was right.
But I didn't, I couldn't keep my promise. I had broken a promise that I had made to myself, my stake president, and the first presidency. I had felt the spirit so strongly while writing the letter and when I was to go home early. These two events seem to conflict but I was sure with both of them.
So why then did I feel the spirit so strongly in two conflicting instances? I think that 18 months was a completed mission to me then. When I was writing the letter I was promising to complete my mission until the end. And I did, I completed it. It was just not 18 months as I had assumed completion meant.
Why am I telling you this? God keeps his promises and allows us to keep ours. And to illustrate that promptings are not always what we think

The Healers

      My last companion just got home from her mission. She was amazing and she meant so much to me. She was such a spiritual power house and a great missionary. But I wasn't. I didn't deserve her. This still haunts me to know that I could have caused her any form of pain. Because of her I am the person I am today. She helped me get through coming home early. She prayed with me and comforted me.  She gave me an example of the ultimate Christ like love. I owe her so much.
      We all have that person. The person that loved us even when we were being a jerk. The person that cared for us when we didn't deserve it. The lord gave us these people. When we hurt for what ever reason God puts loving people in our path. These people help God to heal the wounds that have been caused. Thank you healers. Let us try to be healers and in turn be more Christ like.

It still stings

    As I had said many times before coing home early was a very hard thing for me. And over time it got better. It was eaiser to do what I needed to and it was easier to talk about going on my mission and coming home early. I had learned to deal with any negative comments and I had learned to be proud of myself.

    But I still have those days. Those days were I am upset with myself. The days that something will come in the mail from my mission or something that is said will bring up a painful memory. I had a roommate that brought up her mission so much that I was reminded of my mission everyday, This happens and it stings, even after a year certain subjects still hurt. 

    Why am I telling you this? To give hope, and to let you know that things may hurt for awhile. It is not just for returned missionaries but everyone. Anyone who has suffered a lost, or who has repented from a major sin or has done something they are ashamed of.  You will heal but those little dashes of pain remind you how far you have come and how far you have yet to go. Be strong and of good courage you can do this. 

Finding peace

     When I first got home peace seemed like a hope that could not be realized. I was too upset, and too hurt. Of course I wanted peace but it did not seem like it was ever going to come. At first I tried to find peace from others. Usually friends, returned missionaries and family. Their wise words would help to ease the pain for a moment. The peace given by them lasted only  until I started to beat myself up again. I then started trying too look inside myself for peace, really try to forgive myself. That method gave me glimpses of peace. And then I gave up. 

    All this time, for months, I was looking for peace in the wrong places. It is only when I started to use the atonement and look to God that I felt lasting peace. I still found peace through inward glimpses and the wise words of others. But that was just supplemental. My real peace came from the recurring thought that Christ was with me. That everything was going to be okay. God had a plan for me and I was following that plan. I had suffered a few bumps and bruises but God always picked me up again. The atonement covered me like a blanket and finally I felt peace. Not to say that I never kicked off the blanket but it was always there waiting for me. 

    Peace can be found. You just have to look for it in the right places. Never give up peace will come. Stay strong and have courage

The Refiners Fire: A year home

     This time last year I was a mess, having just come home early.  I was so upset and anxiety ridden. I felt betrayed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, and hopeless. I was mad at myself and I thought that all the people who told me I couldn't and shouldn't go on a mission were right. I felt as if I was a failure. I felt as though I had let God down, and that he couldn't love me anymore. I remember those first few days as a blur between crying and pretending that I was okay.
    Now it has been a year. It has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have been through more then I thought I ever could have survived. I have sobbed until I thought my heart would burst. I have been mad at God. I have been spiritually and emotionally numb. I have all but given up. BUT I have prayed and relied on others. I have found healing in the temple. I have learned not to listen to the negative comments of others. I have gained a stronger testimony of the atonement. I have given of myself when I didn't think I could. I have been an example and a hope to others. I have ultimately become one step closer to who God wants me to be. 
     If I could go back and change what happened I wouldn't, and couldn't. What happened to me a year ago made me the person I am today. I am closer to the daughter of God that he wants me to be. A mission would have made me better  too I am sure, but not in the way God intended.
    Life is hard and if you are going through a trial or hardship right now it is hard to see how it will be in a year. But I promise that if you just hold on and trust God you will become better because of it.

Aligning My Will With God's

    Part of my problem when I came home is that it was the first time where my plans did not match up with God's. My plan was to stay out 18 months that is how long I promised to stay out there and that was what I was going to do. This is directly connected with pride. I knew better therefore I should be where I thought I should be right? WRONG. I knew nothing, and still don't actually. But God does. He had a differnet plan. And I had to learn to live with it.
    Why am I telling you this? Because everything is in the Lord's timing. He knows so much more then we do and sometimes we have to take the leap of faith and let him take control. I am thankful to my mission president who listened to God's will instead of mine. I would have stayed out and done my best but God needed me home. I am still learning to align my will with God's but I know that he knows better then me. He will never guide me to something that isn't going to make me better in the long run.