The change from: Secretly inactive to God searching

    When I came home early, one of the hardest things was that first Sunday. I did not want to go at all, I was ashamed of myself and I felt like a disappointment to my ward. My mom told me that if I did not go this week that it would be easier and easier not to go. So I went and it wasn't too bad. I had worked in the primary before I went so I just helped out there. Kids are a lot less judgey then adults. But church was no longer edifying I went because it was right. But I didn't like to.
    The same thing happened with the temple I went once maybe twice when I got home but I didn't like to go anymore. I did not really want to talk to God or feel his spirit as strongly as I felt it in the temple. I actively avoided going to the temple. I also stopped really studying my scriptures. On my mission 5 pages could take me an hour, When I got home I maybe read a few verses. I also stopped praying sincerely. It was rehearsed prayers without a lot of meaning.
    I was spiritually inactive. I was still going to church every Sunday and I had a calling in the primary. But everything I did was because it was a habit, I didn't get much out of it. But no one ever knew, I was physically there, just not spiritually. I was a secret inactive.
   This went on for many months. I had noticed that I was not as spiritual as I had been before.  But I was so spiritually numb that I didn't really care. I can remember the exact moment when my heart changed. I had moved and was going to school. A friend of mine who was also a medically released missionary asked me to go to the temple with her. I didn't want her to think I had fallen away so I said yes. Something changed in my heart at the moment I decided to go back to the temple and while I was there. God was just waiting for me to make the first move in coming closer to him. He wasn't going to make me or persuade me. He was always there helping me and loving me. I had just refused to notice. But when I made the first step I felt it. I had started to become active again.
    God is there. He loves us and he will wait for us. He wants us to come to him. I love Him so much and am honored to be his daughter. Let us try to reach out for God. He is waiting.