Part of my problem when I came home is that it was the first time where my plans did not match up with God's. My plan was to stay out 18 months that is how long I promised to stay out there and that was what I was going to do. This is directly connected with pride. I knew better therefore I should be where I thought I should be right? WRONG. I knew nothing, and still don't actually. But God does. He had a differnet plan. And I had to learn to live with it.
Why am I telling you this? Because everything is in the Lord's timing. He knows so much more then we do and sometimes we have to take the leap of faith and let him take control. I am thankful to my mission president who listened to God's will instead of mine. I would have stayed out and done my best but God needed me home. I am still learning to align my will with God's but I know that he knows better then me. He will never guide me to something that isn't going to make me better in the long run.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
The change from: Secretly inactive to God searching
When I came home early, one of the hardest things was that first Sunday. I did not want to go at all, I was ashamed of myself and I felt like a disappointment to my ward. My mom told me that if I did not go this week that it would be easier and easier not to go. So I went and it wasn't too bad. I had worked in the primary before I went so I just helped out there. Kids are a lot less judgey then adults. But church was no longer edifying I went because it was right. But I didn't like to.
The same thing happened with the temple I went once maybe twice when I got home but I didn't like to go anymore. I did not really want to talk to God or feel his spirit as strongly as I felt it in the temple. I actively avoided going to the temple. I also stopped really studying my scriptures. On my mission 5 pages could take me an hour, When I got home I maybe read a few verses. I also stopped praying sincerely. It was rehearsed prayers without a lot of meaning.
I was spiritually inactive. I was still going to church every Sunday and I had a calling in the primary. But everything I did was because it was a habit, I didn't get much out of it. But no one ever knew, I was physically there, just not spiritually. I was a secret inactive.
This went on for many months. I had noticed that I was not as spiritual as I had been before. But I was so spiritually numb that I didn't really care. I can remember the exact moment when my heart changed. I had moved and was going to school. A friend of mine who was also a medically released missionary asked me to go to the temple with her. I didn't want her to think I had fallen away so I said yes. Something changed in my heart at the moment I decided to go back to the temple and while I was there. God was just waiting for me to make the first move in coming closer to him. He wasn't going to make me or persuade me. He was always there helping me and loving me. I had just refused to notice. But when I made the first step I felt it. I had started to become active again.
God is there. He loves us and he will wait for us. He wants us to come to him. I love Him so much and am honored to be his daughter. Let us try to reach out for God. He is waiting.
The same thing happened with the temple I went once maybe twice when I got home but I didn't like to go anymore. I did not really want to talk to God or feel his spirit as strongly as I felt it in the temple. I actively avoided going to the temple. I also stopped really studying my scriptures. On my mission 5 pages could take me an hour, When I got home I maybe read a few verses. I also stopped praying sincerely. It was rehearsed prayers without a lot of meaning.
I was spiritually inactive. I was still going to church every Sunday and I had a calling in the primary. But everything I did was because it was a habit, I didn't get much out of it. But no one ever knew, I was physically there, just not spiritually. I was a secret inactive.
This went on for many months. I had noticed that I was not as spiritual as I had been before. But I was so spiritually numb that I didn't really care. I can remember the exact moment when my heart changed. I had moved and was going to school. A friend of mine who was also a medically released missionary asked me to go to the temple with her. I didn't want her to think I had fallen away so I said yes. Something changed in my heart at the moment I decided to go back to the temple and while I was there. God was just waiting for me to make the first move in coming closer to him. He wasn't going to make me or persuade me. He was always there helping me and loving me. I had just refused to notice. But when I made the first step I felt it. I had started to become active again.
God is there. He loves us and he will wait for us. He wants us to come to him. I love Him so much and am honored to be his daughter. Let us try to reach out for God. He is waiting.
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